Photo: diesel_travis @

Chester Cab Pizza is closing.

Well, no. Not really. But that didn’t stop the owner from announcing as much online and causing a minor freak out on Twitter and elsewhere:

That tweet got lots of reactions, including a retweet from myself. Why wouldn’t it? Chester Cab has been a fixture on Park Avenue since the early 80’s. This isn’t Angela Hong’s fault, either. The press release, which is also posted to the front page of their website, intimates pretty clearly that Chester Cab is closing:

It is with a heavy heart that owner and founder of Park Avenue’s Chester Cab Pizza is slinging his last pizza. The store, located at 707 Park Ave, had just surpassed its 30th year in business.

Note the use of the past-tense “had just surpassed..” What a silly mix-up that was, huh? But all is not well among the Captains of Pizza. Alas:

Nielsen states that even though sales have been steady, “…it is the rising expenses that took us to the point of unprofitability. In past years, I have noticed that our margins were going down but decided to keep the business afloat for better days to come.”

Uh-oh. George is getting upset.

In the rest of the third-party voiced press release of a single small business owner, “Nielson states” his many memories of slinging pies in Rochester are fond ones. But… (rrrrrumble!! dark clouds on the horizon!!):

“I probably could keep Chester Cab Pizza going for a while more. But when I see the mandates that businesses will be required to comply with by 2014, I figure those would be the mandates that would break the camel’s back. So why wait, my work is done. Why delay the inevitable?”

Oh. My. God. This is all President Obama’s fault! President Obama is putting your favourite overpriced pizza with a remarkably small delivery circle through a death panel!!!

Well, no. Not really.

It turns out that, despite the hand-wringing, concern-trolling presser, Nielson fails to state that he’s not actually shuttering the place.

He’s selling it.

Most likely at a profit.

To the manager, who if he knows anything about the place he’s worked for what we can imagine is at least a few years, probably knows that he can keep the old pig running for a few more years.

To recap: the owner of Chester Cab Pizza, among the most storied pizza places in Rochester; also the owner of Sticky Lips BBQ, easily the second and possibly the first most popular BBQ joint in Rochester; who opened another store in Henrietta under the evil and gluttonous gaze and thrice-cited “mandates” of the jack-booted Obama Administration thugs in 2004; this man is selling one of his businesses for a profit.

Forgive me if I’m having a difficult time drawing a comparison to Wyatt’s Torch, here.

About the only comparison to be drawn between Wyatt’s Torch and Chester Cab’s closing-that-is-not-a-closing is that they both represent remarkably childish, anti-social and demonstrative responses to a world your mama could have told you ain’t fair. They’re both high-flying public hissy fits, both absurd on their face, and both aimed more at publicity than at solutions to the supposed problems Wyatt and Nielson seem to think they have.

The difference is that Wyatt did everyone the favour of getting the fuck out of town and joining Ayn Rand’s socialist paradise under glass. (You read me right: each according to their means, each according to their needs. Think about it) “Nielson states” that he’s going off to some far away land, only to use that highly-public freakout as a demonstration of Chester Cab’s value. And as free advertisement for all his properties, courtesy of Angela Hong, myself, most likely you, 13WHAM and god only knows how many more. And boom! Free soapbox for his fever-ridden political beliefs as an abused “job creator.”

Enjoy your free advertisement, asshole. Pardon me whilst I shrug. Me and John Gault are getting shitfaced at Dinosaur BBQ tonight.