Wegmans has announced that because Rolling Stone chose to do a cover story on one of the accused Boston Bombing suspects, they will not be stocking the latest RS issue. Rather than let people chose to buy or not buy a controversial magazine, Wegmans has chosen to take matters into their own hands.

But never fear, Wegmans Shoppers! Just because you don’t get to see bombing suspects on the cover of your favourite magazine in your favourite store, that doesn’t mean you have to go somewhere else to lust after violence. Wegmans has a magazine rack just filled to the brim with all sorts of illustrated violence to choose from. Don’t believe me?

Here, then, are five mags I found while quickly searching the racks at the Calkins Road store, right here in Wegman’s backyard of Rochester, NY. Five out of a legion of similar magazines, all under the amusing fig leaf category of “hunting and fishing.” Five samples of “violence you can feel good about” because Wegmans approved them and not the current issue of Rolling Stone.

Five magazines I discovered at eye level in the Wegmans magazine racks that are guaranteed to get your “Guns ‘n Boner” goin:

Handgunner Magazine

Handgunner Magazine. Paging Dr. Freud…

Honestly, as gun magazines go, this is a pretty tame one. But you’ve gotta love the headline right there at the top of the magazine: “Fist vs. .45ACP” Who do you think will win?

As you go through these gun magazines, you will see one common theme, which is that the gun is quite commonly pointed with the barrel towards you. At the risk of being too Freudian, they always seem to be pointed down at your crotch. I’m not sayin’. I’m just sayin’.

Among the other gems we have for headlines are “Stopping Power: Equipment or Caliber?” and my favourite “The Nuclear Option.”

Shotgun News

Shotgun News: because guns need broom handle stocks, of course!

Still on the more tame side of things, Shotgun News Magazine even manages to not point the gun at my cock, which I really appreciate. Still: broom handles?

Broom handles are modified Mauser pistols developed for the German Army as a means to extend a gun that was designed to be a pistol into something that looks and functions a bit more like a rifle. You can’t use it to sight in a target like a normal rifle and you won’t really be able to handle it like a normal pistol, either.

In other words, you can’t hunt with it and you can’t use it as a concealed weapon. Then why bother?

The point is to have a gun you can use to spray targets with. Hold it like an old gangster’s Tommy gun and just start blasting away. No, nothing says the things you spray with lead necessarily need to be innocent bystanders. Nothing says that at all.

 Black Guns 2014

Black Guns 2014. Um. Black is beautiful…

… and if you’ll look off to the left, you’ll see the entrance to Crazy Town..

Now we’re getting into the genuinely gnarly stuff. No pretense about hunting, history or range shooting or sharp shooting. Just straight up “black guns,” because black is awesome.

Displaying the benchmark of gun nut couture, this magazine features laser sights, huge banana clips, euphemistic “Home Defense Carbines,” because you need that kind of thing.

Personal and Home Defense Magazine

Home Defense. This woman is clearly in a defensive position. Note the direction of the barrel…

No, it’s not quite “Guns and Hooters Illustrated,” but it’s pretty close. Personal and Home Defense magazine doesn’t make the smallest attempt at subtlety. It just leaps right off the stand and grabs your limbic system with both hands.

“DON’T BE A VICTIM!” It screams at you while a woman points that barrel right back down at your cock again. Because in gun culture, there are only victims and people with guns, evidently. Actually, her gun has three barrels? With a laser pointer, like she needs it? #overkill

Yes, this magazine is all about “defending yourself.” You can learn all about knife counterattacks, escaping choke holds and “active shooter response tactics.” Where do you live that you need this kind of information?

I don’t want to be a Gloomy Gus, here. But it does really seem like all of these are handy tactics to have in your arsenal if you are the “active shooter,” not for peaceful citizens. The whole cover reads like another euphemism for fetishized, fantasized violence.

GUNS and Weapons Magazine

GUNS and Weapons Magazine. Crossing your legs will not help.

I capitalized the first word, because that appears to be the way they identify themselves to their readers. If you’re comfortable with the idea of “home defense” as a euphemism, GUNS and Weapons invites you further down the paranoid rat hole to learn “7 SWAT Entry Survival Tactics.”

That’s right. Seven ways to survive entering a building with your gun. We’re way off the home defense tip, now.

But don’t stop there. Read up on “Justified Lethal Force,” an article that is just sure to have been written by a competent defense attorney. Or feed your siege mentality with “Ambushed and Under Fire,” the story of how a “hail of bullets stops a would-be cop killer.”

Oh, did I mention that this magazine is “For Law Enforcement?”

It’s right there in itty-bitty text at the top, about a third of the size of the cover story text.

Send us more!

There must be lots of other magazines in other stores that I’ve missed. I was only on lunch break, after all. So if you find a good one in the Wegmans magazine rack, why not post it here in the comments section or hit me up on Twitter or Facebook?