Rochester, NY
19 April 2014
 
    Photo: DFE

    Wegmans has announced that because Rolling Stone chose to do a cover story on one of the accused Boston Bombing suspects, they will not be stocking the latest RS issue. Rather than let people chose to buy or not buy a controversial magazine, Wegmans has chosen to take matters into their own hands.

    But never fear, Wegmans Shoppers! Just because you don’t get to see bombing suspects on the cover of your favourite magazine in your favourite store, that doesn’t mean you have to go somewhere else to lust after violence. Wegmans has a magazine rack just filled to the brim with all sorts of illustrated violence to choose from. Don’t believe me?

    Here, then, are five mags I found while quickly searching the racks at the Calkins Road store, right here in Wegman’s backyard of Rochester, NY. Five out of a legion of similar magazines, all under the amusing fig leaf category of “hunting and fishing.” Five samples of “violence you can feel good about” because Wegmans approved them and not the current issue of Rolling Stone.

    Five magazines I discovered at eye level in the Wegmans magazine racks that are guaranteed to get your “Guns ‘n Boner” goin:

    Handgunner Magazine

    Handgunner Magazine. Paging Dr. Freud…

    Honestly, as gun magazines go, this is a pretty tame one. But you’ve gotta love the headline right there at the top of the magazine: “Fist vs. .45ACP” Who do you think will win?

    As you go through these gun magazines, you will see one common theme, which is that the gun is quite commonly pointed with the barrel towards you. At the risk of being too Freudian, they always seem to be pointed down at your crotch. I’m not sayin’. I’m just sayin’.

    Among the other gems we have for headlines are “Stopping Power: Equipment or Caliber?” and my favourite “The Nuclear Option.”

    Shotgun News

    Shotgun News: because guns need broom handle stocks, of course!

    Still on the more tame side of things, Shotgun News Magazine even manages to not point the gun at my cock, which I really appreciate. Still: broom handles?

    Broom handles are modified Mauser pistols developed for the German Army as a means to extend a gun that was designed to be a pistol into something that looks and functions a bit more like a rifle. You can’t use it to sight in a target like a normal rifle and you won’t really be able to handle it like a normal pistol, either.

    In other words, you can’t hunt with it and you can’t use it as a concealed weapon. Then why bother?

    The point is to have a gun you can use to spray targets with. Hold it like an old gangster’s Tommy gun and just start blasting away. No, nothing says the things you spray with lead necessarily need to be innocent bystanders. Nothing says that at all.

     Black Guns 2014

    Black Guns 2014. Um. Black is beautiful…

    … and if you’ll look off to the left, you’ll see the entrance to Crazy Town..

    Now we’re getting into the genuinely gnarly stuff. No pretense about hunting, history or range shooting or sharp shooting. Just straight up “black guns,” because black is awesome.

    Displaying the benchmark of gun nut couture, this magazine features laser sights, huge banana clips, euphemistic “Home Defense Carbines,” because you need that kind of thing.

    Personal and Home Defense Magazine

    Home Defense. This woman is clearly in a defensive position. Note the direction of the barrel…

    No, it’s not quite “Guns and Hooters Illustrated,” but it’s pretty close. Personal and Home Defense magazine doesn’t make the smallest attempt at subtlety. It just leaps right off the stand and grabs your limbic system with both hands.

    “DON’T BE A VICTIM!” It screams at you while a woman points that barrel right back down at your cock again. Because in gun culture, there are only victims and people with guns, evidently. Actually, her gun has three barrels? With a laser pointer, like she needs it? #overkill

    Yes, this magazine is all about “defending yourself.” You can learn all about knife counterattacks, escaping choke holds and “active shooter response tactics.” Where do you live that you need this kind of information?

    I don’t want to be a Gloomy Gus, here. But it does really seem like all of these are handy tactics to have in your arsenal if you are the “active shooter,” not for peaceful citizens. The whole cover reads like another euphemism for fetishized, fantasized violence.

    GUNS and Weapons Magazine

    GUNS and Weapons Magazine. Crossing your legs will not help.

    I capitalized the first word, because that appears to be the way they identify themselves to their readers. If you’re comfortable with the idea of “home defense” as a euphemism, GUNS and Weapons invites you further down the paranoid rat hole to learn “7 SWAT Entry Survival Tactics.”

    That’s right. Seven ways to survive entering a building with your gun. We’re way off the home defense tip, now.

    But don’t stop there. Read up on “Justified Lethal Force,” an article that is just sure to have been written by a competent defense attorney. Or feed your siege mentality with “Ambushed and Under Fire,” the story of how a “hail of bullets stops a would-be cop killer.”

    Oh, did I mention that this magazine is “For Law Enforcement?”

    It’s right there in itty-bitty text at the top, about a third of the size of the cover story text.

    Send us more!

    There must be lots of other magazines in other stores that I’ve missed. I was only on lunch break, after all. So if you find a good one in the Wegmans magazine rack, why not post it here in the comments section or hit me up on Twitter or Facebook?

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    8 Responses to 5 magazines you can buy at Wegmans instead of Rolling Stone

    1. That’s awesome! I love wegmans.. now I love them twice as much!

      The gun is pointed at you.. ooh.. in a magazine, that’s really scary. Hey, ever think that the media jockies do it to illicit a “cool factor” response from their readers? You know, like pretty much EVERY other type of “commercial adventure” on TV?

      I don’t always point my barrel at the reader, but when I do, I make sure it’s DOBLE BARRA.

      I’m sure if you searched hard enough, you could find a magazine that discussed the proper quantities and specific types of liquids to drink that allow you to pee on your assailant provided you haven’t already emptied your bladder. I know ladies who have had children have itsy, bitsy bladders and that may not go over so well.. just a thought.

      Quick question. Have you ever spoken to a gun owner? You know, a real live person and not just some actor who plays one on TV? Here’s a clue: we don’t have killer tendencies. In fact, it’s just the opposite. We have survival tendencies. Forgive us, of course; we just like this side of the pearly gates.

      You do realize that we don’t sit around in our homes planning out what chaos we can bring to society, right? No, we leave that kind of stuff to the bat-poop-crazy people in Albany *cough* Cuomo *cough* and their band of tyrannical men (and women).

      I’m half tempted to ask if you want to go to the range to see what it’s really like. Heck, I’d even call up a few hundred people from around NY (HEY NYF!!! WOOT) and we can schedule a time at a private range to show you just how much you don’t know about us outside of the camo, beards, chevy vs ford truck guys and an absurd liking for having a beer or two (not that I’m a fan of beer personally, and not that we’d be drinking and shooting at the same time either). Of course, we’ll have to blind fold you so you can’t find your way back to our secret, underground palace of gun magazines and hot chicks with bikini’s and guns strapped on their hips. That’s for, you know.. us gun nuts. You non gun nuts .. I don’t know what you people do; but I digress.

      Seriously. We can go back and forth over why you don’t like us or we don’t like you or blah blah blah.. or we can actually try to have a dialog about “CAN HAVE” and not “NEED”. Quite frankly, I’m burnt out on trying to convince. I’m done convincing. If you want me to convince you of something, you’ll be waiting a while. I’d rather you engage that massively convoluted (not in the cloudy way, the wavy “grayvy” way) brain of yours and try to see for yourself that maybe.. just maybe.. you might not be right about the gun culture.

      We might come from two different worlds, but it’s always the people with the “Coexist” bumpers that want me to change for them for some reason. I mean, doesn’t that sort of defeat the purpose of coexisting? or did I miss a memo?

    2. July 18, 2013 at 10:10 pm Bobtruth responds:

      You dont get the point of obviously

    3. I would not be surprised to find most of these only a few feet away…

      http://www.ebscomags.com/car-truck-and-motorcycle-magazines

    4. Bravo JL. Rachel; I love ya but you are completely off the mark with this article. I actually feel sorry for you and the thought process you followed to arrive with this article. Shame on you.

    5. Are you really taking issue with a magazine that has an article on historic firearms? The Broomhandle Mauser aka the C96 was designed in 1896; yes, over 100 years old. Do you think people are spreading terror and spraying bullets with a 100+ year old weapon that takes obscure .30 mauser ammo, and only has an internal 10 round magazine? Also, even the crappiest c96 with an original stock will cost $2000.

    6. You ask, regarding Personal and Home Defense magazine, “where do you live that you need this kind of information?” Apparently in the rural town of Sodus.

      http://www.9wsyr.com/news/local/story/Investigation-continues-in-mother-daughter-double/5xVXTWqDlkWs903RoAXaKw.cspx

      Or in the city of Rochester.

      http://www.9wsyr.com/news/local/story/Suspect-in-double-homicide-and-shootout-with/dA5uNMYlJUGRPb5xY4Fu2A.cspx

      Being capable of defending yourself and your family is not as foolish as you would have your readers believe. I’m sure you are surprised to hear, that even in NY, awful things do happen to good people. Have you forgotten this?

      http://www.9wsyr.com/news/local/story/Renz-Clay/mvJd18MgDUieGiT5PqQIUQ.cspx

    7. July 22, 2013 at 12:54 pm Spartacus responds:

      I read BlackGuns, and I own a few as well. I also donate to wildlife charities, enjoy vegetarian food, watch TED, appreciate Apple products, occasionally vote to the left, support a woman’s right to choose, have no issues with same sex marriage, and desire world peace. I get the point you were making…but the irony is that you seem to be on a similar track of taking the narrow view.

    8. I highly doubt wegmans didnt sell the rs magazine because of violence…..just lime every other retail store and many other americans, they probably felt that this was a slap in the face and disgraceful that a terrorist was on the cover. by placing this terrorist on the rs issue, rs is just giving free advertisement for the recruitment of terrorism…..common sense on this one….not to hard to it out

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