Seriously folks what’s technology got against guitars?

Years ago it was the growing popularity of disco, techno, electronic – dance musics in other words that seemed to be making guitar playing about as hip as sitting on the porch on a Friday night and whittling.

But everything in life operates on a curve… everything swings to and fro like the pendulum of an old grandfather clock. Guitars – and more importantly, guitars played in all kinds of styles became hip again in the last 10 years. From folk to shred… even rappers have guitars sometimes. That’s what makes shitty bands like Nickelback able to have a job.

A few years back a friend of mine who is a terrific drummer (only he barely ever plays so he suffers from being rusty pretty bad) got into this game called “Guitar Hero.” He was really good at it. He spent hours playing it. Because I can actually play a real guitar pretty well, it was assumed by him that I’d kick ass at it.

So finally one day I’m at a house party with all these “kids.” I call them kids because even though I’m only 25, I’ve got a 5 year old son and a full time job. There is a disconnect. I have a lot of responsibilities, and most of the time I’d probably get along with their parents just as good if not better than them. In other-words, I’m an old fart.

So in the midst of all the drinking, laughing, getting stoned etc. that is going on, I’m handed a video game controller that looks like a little guitar with buttons instead of strings. Now it couldn’t even be a ton of little buttons in six rows (like strings) spaced out like frets… I might be able to play something like that. No, just 5 big plastic multicolored buttons and a weird paddle thing that you’re supposed to strum.

He picked out songs that I like by Cream, Hendrix, SRV and know how to play… On easy mode I totally sucked. It was too slow and out of time. On Expert, I couldn’t hang with my fretting hand. “Where’s the fucking strings? How do you bend?” I couldn’t even play a Ramones song, which by the way I love The Ramones, but it’s all just strumming chords for the most part. It was hard on that game. Hard because it’s so different.

People, let me tell you… I fucking hated that game. I felt like an ass-hole. It’s aggravating to know you can play these songs in real life – something that used to make people like you at parties and was always a sure fire way to pick up the ladies. (Well, I’m married, but it’s nice to know if you still got it…) I bet you anything, no chicks will dig you because you’re good at a video game.
Now there is this Guitar Hero III craze. They’ve even got tournaments going on for Christ’s sake! The zone has been calling me, trying to get me to play a gig at a GH3 event in Farmington. Then there is this game, Rock Band that also lets you drum and play bass and even sing.

The last straw was last night – I’m watching TV and there is a commercial with people sitting around, singing Sublime to a kid “strumming” over the screen of a little hand held device.

It’s all fine if this stuff is going to turn people on to real bands and playing real music again. It’s great if you get into these games as a young kid and then decide you want to play the real thing. But I’m scarred that this isn’t going to be the case.

I hate to come down on anything that gives people a laugh or a good time in today’s world. There’s so much to be worried or depressed about that a little escape into your dreams of rock stardom is pretty cool. I just feel like it makes a joke out of the whole thing. You can totally screw up but if you use your “star power” by doing some stupid stage tricks and moves people will eat it up. (Well, that’s probably pretty accurate now that I think about it.)

All I know is this: I begged and pleaded for a guitar. My parents spent the most money they’d ever spent on me for a holiday to buy me my first guitar. A $200 acoustic on top of other presents. I played the shit out that thing. In 8 months I was begging and pleading for an electric. I took whatever money I had at the time and my Dad, seeing that I had applied myself to something and actually learned how to play a bit, took me to the HOG for my birthday in August and helped me buy a Mexican strat and a little practice amp for probably $400. From there it just got more and more expensive, but I kept getting better to help justifying it – to a point anyway.

I used to lock myself in my basement room and play guitar for 12 hours a day. On school days, I’d play before school, and then as soon as I got home I’d play till dinner. Then if I ate, I’d go back to playing till I fell asleep with the guitar. I’d play in front of the TV… I’d play on the toilet. I’d just play and read guitar magazines and play and play and play. Once I got to play with other people and have the sound of a band it was like magic. “Dude, we just sounded like that song!”

I never took any lessons. I taught myself – and that shit was a lot of work. The hardest part was knowing that you suck and it’s going to take you a lot of time to learn things and be able to play songs. I tried to teach a few people once and it was a pain in my ass because they didn’t want to learn anything. They didn’t want the theory or the why… just “teach me this song.” For people like that, guitar hero is probably amazing.

My point is for all the time people like my buddy spend playing the video game, they could buy a cheap guitar and learn how to play the real thing. But it’s too much work for most people. It hurts their fingers or something.

Part of me wants to take that gig at the Guitar Hero 3 thing in Farmington, so I can go out there and fucking smoke everything I touch for 2 or 3 hours. Play every part of me off… play till I’m bleeding (hey it’s happened) and the sweat is burning in my eyes… my arms and legs are like jello… till I have nothing left and my strings are all broken.

Then I’d turn to the microphone and say, “See what you could do if you put down the fucking video games and picked up a real guitar?!”

It would be cool in a cheesy, Steven Seagal kind of way. Hopefully I’m totally wrong and in a few years the next amazing guitar player will emerge from the unknown and say, “I picked up the guitar after playing video games like guitar hero and rock band. It made me want the real thing.”

It could happen… and monkeys might fly out my butt.

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