Tucker Carlson Assaulted in Bathroom by My Girlfriend from Canada

Ah, childhood.

Some of us left it behind at the tender age of eighteen, but in Tucker Carlson’s case, some people live it out in pathetic form straight into their forties.  Carlson was on MSNBC with Dan Abrams and Joe Scarborough discussing the bathroom incident with Larry Craig, and in a rhetorical miss-step, inadvertently pointed out that he had been “bothered” in men’s rooms (plural).

Well, that just sounds like he’s asking for it in the minds of manly men like Abrams and Scarborough.  True to form, everybody started laughing, the clear humor being not so much those lecherous, violent bathroom-stalking gays, but rather the effeminate Tucker Carlson with his cute little bow tie being solicited by gays because he looks and sounds so. . .  well, queer.

But Tucker ain’t no queer.  Hell, no!  In fact, he beat the shit out of someone who tried to come onto him in the bathroom. . .  or maybe he didn’t:

Media Matters – MSNBC’s silence speaks volumes; by Jamison Foser

Let me be clear about an incident I referred to on MSNBC last night: In the mid-1980s, while I was a high school student, a man physically grabbed me in a men’s room in Washington, DC. I yelled, pulled away from him and ran out of the room. Twenty-five minutes later, a friend of mine and I returned to the men’s room. The man was still there, presumably waiting to do to someone else what he had done to me. My friend and I seized the man and held him until a security guard arrived. Several bloggers have characterized this is a sort of gay bashing. That’s absurd, and an insult to anybody who has fought back against an unsolicited sexual attack. I wasn’t angry with the man because he was gay. I was angry because he assaulted me.

Media Matters later asks the question:

Media Matters – Cont’d

Which version of Carlson’s story is the closest to the truth? The first version he told, apparently spontaneously and unrehearsed? Or the statement he issued after the first version drew criticism?

Allow me to field this one.  Neither story is true.  While we’re in the spirit of full disclosure, I never had a girlfriend from Canada and your dad is not a lawyer.  Oh, and when I said, “well, if you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you,” the fact was, I didn’t know.

If Carlson was in fact approached in some way as a high-school student, he would doubtless have reacted the way any kid might, with either a bat-out-of-hell retreat or nervously giggling embarrassment.  He’s full grown now, only about five foot tall, probably under 100 pounds and physically incapable of banging the head of a heavily-medicated octogenarian against the wall even now, let alone an equal in high school.

Oh, but the story changed.  He didn’t beat the guy up, he came back with a friend (here-to-fore unnamed) and valiantly held the lecher until security could arrive. . . . twenty five minutes later.  Because in those days, no one had to go to class, not even the gays.  So, The Tuckster, his friend and one bathroom stalker all went about their business for twenty five minutes until Tuck decided something needed to be done.  Twenty five minutes later; not half an hour, twenty five minutes later.  What amazing recall nearly thirty years hence!

Reminds me of that time I was in Alaska hunting wolverines.  My cousin and I got assaulted by some in a bathroom, though I can’t be sure that they were actually gay.  There were like thirty of them.  What did I do?  I banged their heads against a wall, of course, GOD!  What would you do in a situation like that?

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By Tommy Belknap

Owner, developer, editor of DragonFlyEye.Net, Tom Belknap is also a freelance journalist for The 585 lifestyle magazine. He lives in the Rochester area with his wife and son.

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