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This week in threats to National Security (vibrator edition)

Its a dangerous world out there. Not least because, according to the FBI, there is a grave and growing threat out there in the world of gang violence. Bloods? Crips? Hardly. We’re talking about the scarriest thing to come out of the ‘burbs since soccer moms. I’m talking, of course, about Juggalos.

Also: Bugaloos

Yes, in this violent world of Wahabi extremists threatening to take over the world, it is comforting to know that the tighter-than-a-frog’s-ass FBI maintains its composure and keeps its eye on the things that really matter. Not so much threats to your bodily presence as simply the moral wrongs of an unjust and wicked world. Or something like that.

Anyway, its as though Agent van Alden lives with us to this day:

Not to be outdone in policing shit that doesn’t need policing, the TSA also has its finger on the.. well, let’s just call it the “pulse”.. of wickedness in the hearts of our nation’s fairer sex. But since they cannot arrest every wicked woman, they leave notes mocking those they cannot arrest.

Yes, one unlucky slut journalist had the audacity to bring her vibrator with her on a business trip (because hey: those goodie bags at the hotel aren’t free!) and those cunning bloodhounds at the TSA caught on to her. No, they may not be able to detect every loaded gun; they may be getting paid to chat with strangers; but by god, you leave a personal massager in your bag, you can bet the TSA will be there to sniff it out.

Sorry, Ed Asner. Figure of speech.

The thing is: its not as though she brought the Big Jim along with her. According to her own account, the vibrator in question was just a little Magic Bullet, which is as positively adorable as it is damning to her soul. This thing couldn’t have been easy to spot, in fact, I’m pretty sure they put a cord on it so its not easy to lose.

Its heart-stopping to think that, had she kept her rumble fish in her carry-on, we might never have known. Lucky for us, it must not have been a very long flight. Her immorality might have gone on unabated, and then where would we be?

Let this be a lesson to the nay-sayers. If you thought that they weren’t doing their due dilligence at the airport and profiling travelers, this is proof positive that they’re certainly paying extra-careful attention to the pretty ones.

Awe, yeah. Self-portrait Facebook profile pix are a dead-giveaway. Terrorist slut.

By Tommy Belknap

Owner, developer, editor of DragonFlyEye.Net, Tom Belknap is also a freelance journalist for The 585 lifestyle magazine. He lives in the Rochester area with his wife and son.