My top 4 reasons you won’t see me in the water this summer.

I’ve been a horror movie fan for as long as I can remember. Over the course of many discussions, one common theme I’ve recognized in scary movie lovers is the older we get, the more the movies frighten us. I could have had a Silence of the Lambs/Rosemary’s Baby/Hellraiser all-day marathon and more when I was 13 and not bat an eye. Today? I’ll keep my fiancé up all night because of the house noises I think I hear or because I just can’t turn my brain off after watching something like that. Why? Simple – I understand more than I did back then. The very same thing can be said about my relationship with the ocean.

I had my first yearly family vacation to the beach when I was barely 5-months old and apparently, I was hooked instantly. Each year, we’d travel to the same place and I’d be one of those kids with balls of brass, charging right into the waves, not caring how deep the water was, how big the waves got, or what kind of creatures were near me. Now, you’re lucky if I get past ankles deep in the water, and this is why: the ocean is full of weird shit that I want nothing to do with.

4. Sheepshead Fish: because human teeth belong in humans.

Dude. Uncalled for.

Look at this guy – just look at him! No, it isn’t photoshopped; those human-like teeth are real, and they aren’t some freak-show accident, either. Unfortunately, this weirdo, known as the sheepshead fish, is fairly common; however, he won’t cause you to trip balls and he’s also not a hermaphrodite, so hey, there’s that.

3. Two-headed Shark: because fuck no.

Let’s just say, this one looks like it was made to attack mammals.

Then, we have this – er – these little fellows here. Yes, ladies and gentleman, we have a two-headed shark. While we may not see them very often, two-headed sharks, snakes, and even lizards are not overly rare; we just don’t see them often because they tend to die shortly after being born.

2. Cannibal Lobsters: because if you’re too eager to wait for the clarified butter, you don’t belong near my ankles.

This is what Wegmans looks like in horror movies.

Who could forget this? The touching tale of the cannibal lobsters in Maine. Apparently, overly warm water environments lead to cannibalism. Sure, unless you’re a lobster, you probably have nothing to worry about, but who really enjoys swimming with cannibals of any sort? Certainly not I!

1. The Ugly One: because anything that can survive Lake Ontario waters is probably undead.

Those beastly fangs. Those soulless eyes. And he’s not even from Buffalo.

I suppose I could be thankful I live in Rochester and therefore, hours away from any creepy underwater creatures, but nothing is ever that easy, now is it? I don’t know about you, but I still haven’t forgotten about “The Ugly One” – Lake Ontario’s very own mutant ninja…whatever.

I’d rather see all of the above in some terrible, barely B-rated made-for-tv SciFi movie than swimming past me and nibbling at my toes when I’m trying to keep cool on a hot summer day. With that said, I know as soon as the weather is right, I’ll be back at Charlotte Beach. We all have our weaknesses, isn’t that what horror movies are all about?

Happy SciFriday, Everyone!