Top 6 songs more musical than Justin Bieber pissing in a bucket.

Ok. For the good of society, would somebody please for chrissakes buy Justin Bieber a copy of Hammer of the Gods: The Led Zeppelin Saga? That poor dumb bastard is clearly running out of ideas.

Real rock stars get plaster casts of their dicks or throw televisions off hotel balconies or snort coke of a strippers ass. You know: crapulence, sure. But with class, style and self-respect. Hell, some are even clever enough to demand their favourite candy get separated by color.

But not Beebs. Instead, the self-indulgent little superstar pissant can seem to do no better than your average homeless crack addict, pissing where he doesn’t belong. There are bus shelters all over Rochester with olfactory proof of Justin Bieber’s embarrassingly unoriginal behavior.

Yet originality is itself passe in the world of rock and roll. Plenty of rock stars have repeated the antics of their predecessors. It’s something of an ode to one’s idols. The thing is: the one requirement no rock star can get around is that you have to actually make music. Arguably, it doesn’t even need to be particularly good music. Just something that will appeal to someone over the age of 16.

Thus, as a demonstration of just how wasted our attention is by the Beebs, we have collected a sample of music celebrating buckets in their more colorful and musical forms. All of which demonstrate a vast superiority over Justin Bieber’s reason for existing, as something other than another annoying Canadian suburb rat. The whole collection is available on Spotify for your listening pleasure:

6. Honey Bucket – Melvins

This song is absolutely fucking terrible. Quite possibly the biggest waste of your time you’ll experience all week, provided you don’t listen to Justin Bieber.

I don’t even know what the lyrics are. I looked up the lyrics on Google. I read the lyrics. I still don’t know what the lyrics are. And I don’t want to.

But between this and Beebs pissing in a bucket, I’ll take this.

5. Buckets of Rain – Bob Dylan

Ok, on the other end of the spectrum, there is this song. I only include it as #4 for the sake of juxtaposition.

Buckets of Rain literally defies a drooling child like Justin Bieber to define it. Easily the deepest and richest song in this list, frankly, I feel a bit unqualified to do it justice myself. So I’ll just say “you had to be there.”

4. My Bucket’s Got a Hole In It – Willie Nelson and Wynton Marsalis

Now, here’s a guy who has actual problems. His bucket has a hole in it. As a consequence, he is unable to purchase more beer. I know another guy who has actual problems: the guy who has got the Beeb’s piss in his bucket. And no hole:

3. Hell in a Bucket – The Grateful Dead

I may be going to hell in a bucket, babe. But at least I’m enjoying the ride.

Wait. Maybe this song was written for Beebs? Anyway, going to hell in a bucket is better than just.. you know… going in a bucket:

2. The Bucket – Kings of Leon

A song of fading, narcissistic stardom and ego. Sound familiar J?

1. There’s a Hole in the Bucket – Harry Belefonte and Odetta

Mo buckets, mo holes, as the saying goes. Justin is probably too young to remember when this song was a big Sesame Street hit, but the rest of us know how complicated seemingly simple problems can be if you let them. For example, you could just walk in and out of a nightclub with dignity. Or you could piss in a bucket and get a lecture from Bill Clinton about the company you keep. That’s right. A lecture from Bill Clinton on responsibility. “Fuck Bill Clinton,” indeed. He just fucked you, Beebs: