No condoms in porn and 5 other shitty ideas I shouldn’t have tried IRL

News today that L.A. County, California is set to vote on whether or not to require porn filmed there to be shot using condoms on all the male actors. This follows on the heels of the city of Los Angeles passing a similar measure… but then not actually doing anything about it.

The question in my mind is: why? Why put condoms on porn actors? If the L.A. County hospital system is clogged with porn actors and actresses and rapidly running out of penicillin, well, that’s one thing. We all understand what a burden health care is on local government.

But if the aim is to send a message in pornography that unprotected sex is just verboten, well, isn’t pornography supposed to be fantasy? I am repeatedly informed by my wife that yes, it is. If that’s the case, and I confess that I still have my doubts, I think it is fair to assess what other ill-conceived ideas ought also to be excised from the pornographic repertoire. You know, so that people don’t get the wrong idea. With this in mind, I’d like to suggest a few things I’ve noticed:

1. Observe maximum occupancy rules during orgies

To each his or her own. And what the hell, to each a few others’ as well. After all, the only thing more sexy than observing the dermatological mishaps on your own body and those of your loved one would have to be observing those of your increasingly-sticky friends. Get right in there! The more, the merrier!

But as if cheaply-made, Chinese lingerie from Fredericks of Hollywood, CVS candles, cheap wigs and cheaper cologne didn’t present enough of a fire hazard, please: let us not also introduce a trampling hazard. Be mindful of the maximum occupancy rules for the room you’re in. The gimp suit you save might be your own.

2. Your dick in a pizza box: chicks don’t actually dig that.

Strange but true. I’m still not allowed in Irondequoit after having learned this lesson.

3. Weightlifting equipment + lube = an invitation to a broken rib and a collapsed lung.

Nothing in the world could be hotter than the thick, fully-scented ambrosia of workout sweat under Spandex. That’s a given. But if you’re gonna fuck like the pros, you’ll need a good lubricant and sadly, sweat just doesn’t have the proper viscosity. Introducing KY Jelly to the weight room is a dicey affair, however. Other workout equipment may work better, but you don’t often see it in movies.

And enticing though it may be, I suspect the rowing machine has some nasty pinching accident potential. So steer clear.

4. An interview in a room with bare walls, four cameras and a black leather couch? Trust me: it’s not that kind of modeling.

This one’s just for the ladies. Keep in mind when seeking out modeling jobs that not all modeling jobs are the same. That’s all.

Oh! And your boyfriend absolutely will mind.

5. If your hot, busty boss tells you that you’re doing a shitty job, that’s because you’re doing a shitty job.

This is how I lost my job at Unisys.


What’s School Got to Do With It? RCSD’s Vote to Include Condom Availability Program in High Schools

After a long, and sometimes heated debate, the Rochester City School District has voted to make condoms available in city high schools. The vote was hardly unanimous – 4:3 –with many differing opinions on the matter.

Beliefs aside, the truth of the issue remains – abstinence education just wasn’t working.  Statistically, the average age people lose their virginity in the United States today is between 15 and 17 and most teenagers are likely to have sex before the age of 18 (PDF). Sure, we know all the fear factors – unplanned pregnancy, STIs, – but when was the last time you told a teenager not to do something and you received an appreciative response of “you know, you’re right. I think I won’t”?

High school is a scary place, one you could not pay me to revisit.  I’ll spare you the gory details of my first time, but we did have a condom – one of those LifeStyle condoms in what resembles a restaurant butter container we had received from a friend probably a year in advance. Why? Because buying condoms is embarrassing when you’re a junior in high school. What if I see one of my parents’ friends? What if I see a teacher? Maybe we’ll just forget the condom all together and pull out. What if I can pick some up at school and don’t have to worry about all this?

I was 24 the day my dad passed away and we made it that entire time having never spoken about sex even once. My step-mother did, once, on his behalf. The entirety of it was “Your dad assumes you either have or you will. As long as you’re being smart about it, he doesn’t ever want to hear about it. Do you have any questions?” My mom did give me the sex talk once – after I had finished both college and grad school and my boyfriend and I had already decided on getting an apartment together. My parents were both very attentive, very up-to-date with the times, and very protective of me, so it makes no sense why they would delay (or in my dad’s case, flat-out avoid) this talk, right? Not really. Parents dread giving “the talk” just about as much as kids dread hearing it – there’s no amount of anything in this world that can turn that into a cozy little chat.

Say what you will about the Rochester City School District, but they’ve just taken the one most uncomfortable, yet most important parent/child talk in existence and made it easy – easy because they’re offering to do all of it. Before a high school student can receive condoms, he or she must go through several educational classes and counseling regarding sexual health, emotions, and possible consequences. Of course parents can opt their student out of these classes if they’re uncomfortable with it or really disagree with Rochester City School District’s stance – but the option for it is there.

For something that has been taboo in so many classrooms (and sometimes, so many homes) across the nation, RCSD’s decision has definitely raised a lot of questions. However, according to many studies, high school condom availability programs have not led to increased sexual activity among high school students, but have led to improved condom use among high school males. If they’re going to do it anyway, what more can you ask for? Can’t argue with statistics. Time will tell where Rochester will fall in future studies. In the mean time, best of luck to Rochester City School District in their new endeavor.