Tag Archives: porn

No condoms in porn and 5 other shitty ideas I shouldn’t have tried IRL

News today that L.A. County, California is set to vote on whether or not to require porn filmed there to be shot using condoms on all the male actors. This follows on the heels of the city of Los Angeles passing a similar measure… but then not actually doing anything about it.

The question in my mind is: why? Why put condoms on porn actors? If the L.A. County hospital system is clogged with porn actors and actresses and rapidly running out of penicillin, well, that’s one thing. We all understand what a burden health care is on local government.

But if the aim is to send a message in pornography that unprotected sex is just verboten, well, isn’t pornography supposed to be fantasy? I am repeatedly informed by my wife that yes, it is. If that’s the case, and I confess that I still have my doubts, I think it is fair to assess what other ill-conceived ideas ought also to be excised from the pornographic repertoire. You know, so that people don’t get the wrong idea. With this in mind, I’d like to suggest a few things I’ve noticed:

1. Observe maximum occupancy rules during orgies

To each his or her own. And what the hell, to each a few others’ as well. After all, the only thing more sexy than observing the dermatological mishaps on your own body and those of your loved one would have to be observing those of your increasingly-sticky friends. Get right in there! The more, the merrier!

But as if cheaply-made, Chinese lingerie from Fredericks of Hollywood, CVS candles, cheap wigs and cheaper cologne didn’t present enough of a fire hazard, please: let us not also introduce a trampling hazard. Be mindful of the maximum occupancy rules for the room you’re in. The gimp suit you save might be your own.

2. Your dick in a pizza box: chicks don’t actually dig that.

Strange but true. I’m still not allowed in Irondequoit after having learned this lesson.

3. Weightlifting equipment + lube = an invitation to a broken rib and a collapsed lung.

Nothing in the world could be hotter than the thick, fully-scented ambrosia of workout sweat under Spandex. That’s a given. But if you’re gonna fuck like the pros, you’ll need a good lubricant and sadly, sweat just doesn’t have the proper viscosity. Introducing KY Jelly to the weight room is a dicey affair, however. Other workout equipment may work better, but you don’t often see it in movies.

And enticing though it may be, I suspect the rowing machine has some nasty pinching accident potential. So steer clear.

4. An interview in a room with bare walls, four cameras and a black leather couch? Trust me: it’s not that kind of modeling.

This one’s just for the ladies. Keep in mind when seeking out modeling jobs that not all modeling jobs are the same. That’s all.

Oh! And your boyfriend absolutely will mind.

5. If your hot, busty boss tells you that you’re doing a shitty job, that’s because you’re doing a shitty job.

This is how I lost my job at Unisys.