Tag Archives: Sarcasm

DFE Sports Break: Fuck the Superbowl

Ok, I think I’ve just about had enough.

What are we watching the Superbowl for? Or maybe the better question is: why is the Superbowl any kind of big deal? Any kind of bigger deal than, say, a regular season Monday Night Football?

Sure, I get that athletes – conditioned from birth to celebrate meaningless, repetitive annual milestones like bowl and homecoming games as though they were some sort of Homeric, once-in-a-lifetime kind of feat – can only be expected to take this game seriously. But the rest of us? Judging on the entirely unscientific data gleaned from my Twitter feed, I’m going to say that many people out there are as confused as I am.

Personally, I really don’t need much of an excuse to eat dietetically-ill-advised hors d’oeuvres and drink excessively. And I don’t think you do, either. But if that’s what it takes to make you and your loved ones set aside your dietary restrictions for an evening and truly enjoy the wonderful/awful fury of a good firehouse chili, then that’s a good thing. I’m just saying: I’m sure Arbor Day would suffice if we really tried. Why the Superbowl?

Is it the commercials? Lots of us watch the Superbowl in anticipation of some of the best commercials we’ll see all year. But that anticipation was thwarted early, wasn’t it? Many commercials “leaked” to the Internet well in advance of the game. “Leaked”, that is, from the most expensive to the most viral and effective medium for commercials. Strange, huh? And its probably just as well, anyway: Superbowl commercials this year were at best tepid and at worst violent or offensive as in the PepsiCo and Groupon commercials. And I’m here to tell you: I really enjoy a little violence and offensive humor. I just prefer my humor funny, is the only thing.

God help you if you’re tuning into the Superbowl for the halftime show. I mean, for a start, you’ve got to wait through like an hour of crap you didn’t want to watch to get to the five minutes of crap you did want to watch. I’m sure that there are plenty of live videos of your favourite stars on YouTube for ready consumption, but you chose to sit and tap your foot impatiently for an hour, frustrating loved ones and alienating friends over one single pop group? Really?

Besides which, there was a time when you could count on seeing Aerosmith, Prince, Tom Petty,… just about anybody on stage for the halftime show. At the same time. It was still overdone and cheesy, but at least it was several flavours of cheese, all melted together like a nice fondue. When was the last time that happened? I think it might have been the Tom Petty halftime show. Now you’ve just got one pop sensation – the Black Eyed Peas – playing an overdone show with inexplicable marching people in light-up Tron costumes and a cameo by Slash with Fergie doing a fairly limp Axl impression. Oh, yeah. And Usher. Right, that whole thing. Is that what you stayed up late for?

But then: there is a football game in there. And in all honesty, it was a pretty damned good game this year, albeit overshadowed by the criminal records and accusations of sexual violence that marks the Superbowl Class of 2011.Wonderful. Again, if this was a regular season game, would you care? You’d watch – I’d watch – but would it be as imbued with meaning, with mysticism, with wonder? I don’t think so.

The problem isn’t the game. It’s not the commercials. Its not the half time show – and I’m being generous, here. The problem is that there comes a point when you simply cannot top what you’ve done last year and we’re about a decade past that point. The even cannot possibly live up to the hype, the cost, the promise of pageantry and triumph. It’s just a freakin’ football game, after all.

Glee Photos: Is That the Problem?

I. Love. Boobs.

I really do. And while my tastes as a mid-thirties man have trended somewhat upwards on the age scale, I certainly have nothing against pictures of mid-to-late twenty-somethings, scantily clad and posing in sexually-provocative positions. No, sir. Not me. Especially not when the women in question (I’d prefer it be women, but you can look at whatever you like) happen to be as comely as Lea Michelle and Dianna Agron. Gorgeous women, well into adulthood, doing what adults do.

Wait. What do you mean, they’re on television playing high-schoolers? That can’t be right. They’re way too old. If you showed teenage girls full-developed adult women as examples of what they’re supposed to look like in their gawky teenage phase,… well, just imagine what that would do to their self-image!

No, that can’t be right. After all, Katie Couric says she watches the show every week. With her daughters. Parents Television Council says the pictures are borderline pedophilia. Don’t they know how old these girls are? And I thought we were done with this silliness after Beverly Hills 90210 and The OC proved you could use of-age actors in high-school dramas and be perfectly effective.

I just don’t think there’s anything wrong with women showing off their bodies – or men, for that matter. But man, if they ever started using adults to play child roles, THAT would be really bad.

It Snowed Today, But So Far, No Glaciers.

I was stunned and panic-stricken this morning. I looked outside my window and there was an unmistakable one to two inches of accumulated snow on top of my car. I couldn’t believe my eyes, seeing as how scientists have been telling me for years that the globe is actually warming, yet here it was obviously colder than it was yesterday. These two things stood in clear and obvious contradiction to one another, as any good Conservative talking head could tell you. Or, even if you can’t find a good one, anybody on Fox News could have explained it.

But so far, I haven’t seen any glaciers forming. I’ve been watching all morning and nothing. Even more confusing, I think there’s a chance that it may have warmed up a degree or two since six thirty this morning. So, who is right? Fox News or the global warming scientists? With the weather changing so much, it’s really hard really pin it down. Fortunately, Rachel Maddow had Bill Nye the Science Guy on her show to explain it to me. Looking back, I almost feel as though all those Conservative yakkers were perhaps being a trifle disingenuous. Could that be right?

Me, Confused by Snow
Thinking for yourself is hard. Here I am, outside in the snow, but there's no glaciers. What's up with that?

It all makes me wonder. Should I not just believe what people tell me? Is it really necessary to educate myself before I speak about a subject? That certainly doesn’t sound right, but I guess I should. It makes me wonder about the tee shirt I just bought from a place called Ban Tee Shirts. I bought it because it has a monkey on it. I like monkeys. And this one seems very happy with his little beret on. Plus the girl on the home page is kinda hot. I support hot chicks.

And I naturally assumed the words underneath said “I like monkeys” or something I could get into, but it now I don’t think so. Now I think it might say “Long Live the Evolution.” I don’t often take such religious stances, but I can’t deny this is a comfy tee shirt: its 100% organic cotton and its red. Apparently, it’s also comfortable to make as well, since unlike all those great tee shirts I get at Walmart, these ones are sweatshop-free. Gosh! And here I was told that the reason stuff was cheap at Walmart was because of the slave labor. But Ban Tees are pretty cheap, too!

So, I think I’m gonna try thinking from now on. I think. What a thought….

NOTE: I did not actually buy this tee shirt. It was generously provided to me by Duncan from Ban in exchange for this poorly-written blog post. Check them out on FaceBook as well as their website..

Its a Bork-aversary! Its a Pube-aversary, too!

Judge Robert BorkThis day in history: in 1987, Ronald Reagan nominated Appeals Court Judge Robert Bork to the Supreme Court. His nomination became the “do not” model of the nomination process. His unsuccessful bid was derailed by his verbose and controversial responses to Senate inquiry; this to-be-avoided process would later be called “getting Borked.”

This day also marks the SCOTUS nomination in 1991 of one of America.s giants of pubic hair / Coke can comedy: Clarence Thomas. This nomination did not get derailed, proving once again that there is no minority quite like black women.